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3. The Focus For Holistic Estate Planning: Families With Adult Children
Most discussions of estate planning focus on parents with young children, possibly because estate planning with them is a much more straightforward process. The goal or concern of young parents is typically quite simple: to protect vulnerable children. Parents usually agree on this priority, and because young children have neither the cognitive ability nor life experience to comprehend estate planning, there is no reason to involve them.

On the other hand, teenage children have the cognitive ability to comprehend some aspects of estate planning and may develop a sense of curiosity about their parents’ planning. They also may have a sense of entitlement about an inheritance. Still, involving teenage children in issues related to their parents’ assets and property is usually premature. Furthermore, teenage children typically do not have expectations about being involved in their parents’ planning because it does not fit in the context of their dependent relationship with their parents, nor are they likely to want to contemplate the loss of their parents.

Adult children in their twenties are in an ambiguous position regarding their parents’ estate planning. They are part of what one author referred to as “the postponed generation.” ⁶ Over the past two decades, young people entering their twenties have postponed the responsibilities and autonomy of adulthood. Parents of these children are anxious to see how they will fare: Will they take charge of their lives? Will they embody the values of home or of MTV culture? Will they be responsible about money? Will they develop a passion for life or will they flounder? Most adult children in their twenties and thirties are building their identity and establishing themselves in the adult world.

Parents of children at this stage express fear that large sums of money, or even the promise of future inheritances, will make difficult choices for children even more difficult. Visions of more money than they could make on their own can unmotivate some young adults and nudge them down a path toward materialism and consumerism.⁷ This is a real fear of many wealthy parents. For example, a daughter contemplating a challenging graduate school program may decide that it is not worth the personal cost once she knows she will inherit money from her parents in five years.

Parents may wish to bring these young adults into the estate planning process, educate them about the responsibilities and opportunities of wealth, and prepare them for their inheritance.⁸ While young adult children may not be established enough in their own lives and careers to realize the impact of their parents’ decisions fully, they are not too young to begin thinking responsibly about managing an inheritance. Total surprise rarely works to any child’s benefit.

Once children mature and are no longer dependent on their parents for material support, the utility of bringing them fully into their parents’ estate planning process becomes clear. For parents of children in their thirties, forties, and beyond, estate planning is no longer about ensuring children are adequately fed, clothed, housed, and educated. Usually, grown children are already caring for their own basic needs, as well as those of their own children. In some families, older children may even be taking care of their aging parents. Adult children are cognitively capable of understanding the estate planning process, they may have addressed estate planning issues for themselves and their children, and the prospect of inheriting money is unlikely to deter them from being productive members of society. Their values and careers are usually fairly well established. In some cases, their parents’ legacy may have as much emotional significance for them as it does financial impact.

For the parents, estate planning at this later stage of life is much more about emotional and personal issues. Older parents with grown children are in a different phase of their lives and face different challenges than when they were younger—perhaps when they made their first estate plans. Erik Erikson, a psychologist whose eight-stage model of human development is perhaps the most widely known and accepted, postulated that older adults are in a stage he termed “Late Adulthood.” ⁹ During this stage, people strive to experience a sense of integrity and ward off feelings of despair. Late Adulthood is a period of reflecting upon one’s life and one’s role in the scheme of things. Ultimately, Erikson claimed that if older adults achieve a sense of purpose and fulfillment about life and a sense of unity within themselves and with others, they will accept transitions they face, even death, with a sense of integrity. Just as healthy children do not fear life, Erikson said, healthy adults do not fear death.¹⁰

A successful transfer of the tangible and intangible assets built during a lifetime to the next generation can be a vital source of meaning in this late stage of life. Giving gifts to loved ones should be an occasion of joy and gratitude; if it is not, it can backfire and actually worsen an older person’s sense of integrity and connection. In the worst case, transferring assets can be a destructive family experience. Even the fear that it may be destructive can lead to feelings of despair. No one wants any of those outcomes, but few parents know how to ensure a meaningful asset transfer. What do parents need to say and when? Should they talk about values? How much is right? Who should be involved and how? Should they discuss fears? How does one address the different needs and circumstances of adult children?¹¹

Holistic estate planning becomes critical in this context. There are no simple answers for parents with these questions, and without pat answers, some parents convince themselves to put off estate planning. They do not want to deal with the difficult choices or the complex and sometimes irrational feelings of family members. These fears may be legitimate if the parents lack the communication and interpersonal skills needed to face spouses and children confidently on their own. Other parents hide their fears beneath claims that they do not care whether their children fight over the estate after they are gone. Estate attorneys typically hear this bravado from parents, and it is typically a mask, or defense, for feelings of inadequacy about their ability to deal with their children’s potentially conflicting opinions. Anxious parents react differently when they understand that when they use a holistic approach, they will have professional assistance to deal with the issues and feelings that arise.

The assumption that parents want their grown children to be physically healthy, psychologically well-adjusted, and to have rewarding, longlasting relationships is a safe one.¹² It is also safe to assume that parents have certain values they would like to see pass to their children and grandchildren. Beyond those basics, however, it is not safe to make assumptions. Each person, each set of parents, and each family must come to an understanding of what the family’s legacy will be, what will be maintained, and what will be discarded.¹³ Parents of adult children can increase their confidence about how their children will carry on after they depart by engaging their children in a holistic process of estate planning. By understanding this final stage of life and its implications for parents and their families, advisors can guide their older clients along a new path. They can help parents appreciate the larger task they face when contemplating estate planning and help them manage it successfully.

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6
SUSAN LITTWIN, THE POSTPONED GENERATION: WHY AMERICA’S GROWN-UP KIDS ARE GROWING UP LATER (1986).

7
See generally David Myers, The Secret to Happiness, YES!, Summer 2004, at 13-16.

8
One estate planning attorney pointed out that the last thing parents want is to bestow large sums of money on children with little or no planning. Professionals can assist families with preparing children to deal with an inheritance. Telephone Interview with Douglas K. Freeman, Chairman, IFF Advisors, LLC (June 3, 2004).

9
Erik Erikson, Identity and the Life Cycle, in PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES (George S. Klein ed., 1959).

10
Id. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who works with older patients, suggests that the issues people face as they approach life’s end are a complex mix of physical, psychological, and social factors, all of which need to be addressed for people to accept death. See generally ELIZABETH KÜBLER-ROSS, ON DEATH AND DYING (1969).

11
Charles Collier wrote that such questions “should be asked and answered before estate planning is even discussed.” He describes questions such as, “What is really important to your family?” and, “What should you do to guide and support the life journey of each family member over time?” as the deeper, strategic questions that families need to tackle before the parents address the tactical decisions related to how they will transfer assets. CHARLES W. COLLIER, WEALTH IN FAMILIES 1 (2001).

12
Ronald Chester cautions that this benign hypothesis about parents’ motives may be too generous and offers as evidence some parents’ attempts to control their children’s lives through stringent conditions embedded in trust documents. Telephone Interview with C. Ronald Chester, Professor of Law, New England School of Law (Aug. 12, 2004).

13
Scott Farnsworth, an estate planning attorney and the founder of SunBridge, Inc., developed what he calls a Personal Legacy Declaration—a collection of questions that helps people clarify their life story by noting key experiences, enduring values, and themes that persisted over time.